Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
